How to forgive someone who never apologized

السلام عليكم friend,

I need to tell you something you might not want to hear.

That person who hurt you. The one you think about when you can't sleep, the one whose face flashes in your mind when you're triggered, the one you've spent years resenting

They're not suffering.

You are.

When you hold onto unforgiveness, here's what happens in your brain:

Your amygdala stays activated.

That's your brain's threat detection system. It stays on high alert, scanning for danger.

Every time you think of them, your body reacts like the trauma is happening right now. Not ten years ago. Now.

Cortisol floods your system.

Chronic anger = chronic stress hormone. This damages your hippocampus (your memory center) and weakens your immune system.

You're literally making yourself sick holding onto what they did.

Neural pathways deepen.

Every time you replay the hurt, every time you rehearse what they said, what they did, how they made you feel, you strengthen the neural pathway:

"Think of them → Feel rage/pain."

The groove gets deeper. The pattern gets stronger.

You become neurologically wired to suffer when you think of them.

I'm not telling you this to shame you.

I'm telling you this because I was stuck here too.

I couldn't forgive the people who hurt me.

I held onto it all. Justified it. "They don't deserve forgiveness. Look what they did."

And I was right.

They didn't deserve it.

But I deserved to be free.

Forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you.

When you forgive even if they never apologize, even if they never change, even if they don't "deserve" it, here's what happens:

Your prefrontal cortex activates.

Your rational brain comes back online. You can see the situation clearly, not through the lens of pain.

Your amygdala calms.

The threat alarm turns off. Thinking of them no longer triggers a full-body stress response.

New neural pathways form.

"Think of them → Feel neutral. Feel peace."

You're rewiring your brain to stop suffering.

Your body heals.

Cortisol drops. Inflammation decreases. Your immune system strengthens.

Forgiveness is physiological healing, not just spiritual.

Allah didn't command forgiveness to protect the oppressor.

Forgive others so you can receive Allah's forgiveness.

Not because they deserve it.

Because you need to be forgiven too.

Forgiveness = strength, not weakness.

It takes more strength to release than to hold on.

But here's what forgiveness is NOT:

I need to be really clear about this, because this is where people get stuck.

Forgiveness is NOT:

❌ Saying what they did was okay
❌ Reconciling with them
❌ Letting them back into your life
❌ Pretending it didn't hurt
❌ Forgetting what happened

Forgiveness IS:

✓ Releasing the emotional charge
✓ Choosing not to carry their debt anymore
✓ Freeing yourself from their hold on you
✓ Trusting Allah to handle the justice
✓ Healing your nervous system

You can forgive someone and never speak to them again.

You can forgive someone and still have boundaries.

You can forgive someone and still acknowledge: what they did was wrong.

Forgiveness = internal liberation, not external reconciliation.

But if it is your ties of kinship, Allah commands you to maintain the ties. But maintaining ties doesn’t mean coming in harm’s warm.

You can maintain the ties of kinship and still set healthy boundaries.

So how do you actually forgive?

Because "just forgive" isn't helpful when you're drowning in pain.

Here's the process I used:

Step 1: Name what they did.

Don't spiritually bypass this.

"They hurt me. They betrayed me. They abandoned me when I needed them most."

You can't release what you won't acknowledge.

Naming it is the first step toward releasing it.

Step 2: Feel the anger (don't suppress it).

Suppression ≠ forgiveness.

Let yourself be angry. Cry. Rage. Write it all out in a journal you'll never send.

Your nervous system needs to release the charge before you can let it go.

If you skip this step, you're not forgiving. You're just burying it deeper.

Step 3: Separate the person from the pain.

This is hard. But necessary.

They hurt you because they were hurt.

Hurt people hurt people.

This doesn't excuse what they did. It doesn't make it okay.

But it helps you see them as human, not monster.

And when you can see their humanity, you can release them.

Step 4: Make dua for them.

This is the hardest step.

"Ya Allah, guide them. Heal them. Forgive them."

You don't have to mean it at first.

In fact, the first time I said it, I was seething.

But I said it anyway.

Because saying it rewires your brain.

It breaks the neural pathway of "them = enemy."

And builds a new one: "them = broken person I'm choosing to release."

Step 5: Choose forgiveness daily.

Here's what no one tells you:

Forgiveness isn't a one-time decision.

It's a daily practice.

Some days you'll feel it. Some days you won't.

Some days the anger will come roaring back, and you'll think, "I thought I forgave this?"

You did.

But your nervous system needs reminding.

So when the anger returns, say:

"I've already forgiven this. I'm not carrying it anymore."

Repeat until your body believes it.

Unforgiveness keeps you chained to the person who hurt you.

Every time you think of them with rage, they still have power over you.

Every time your body tenses at their name, they're still controlling your nervous system.

Every time you replay what they did, you're letting them hurt you again.

Forgiveness sets you free.

Not for them.

For you.

If you're holding onto unforgiveness right now, I want you to know:

You don't have to carry this.

You're allowed to put it down.

You're allowed to heal even if they never apologise.

You're allowed to forgive and still protect yourself.

Work with me 1:1

I'm taking on 2 new 1:1 clients for April.

This is for Muslim women who:

✓ Have already tried therapy, books, self-help
✓ Are STILL stuck in survival mode
✓ Are ready to heal their relationship with Allah
✓ Want deep, personalised support

We work together for 12 weeks. Weekly video calls (yes, you'll see me. I stay faceless publicly, but our work is private and face-to-face).

If you are ready, secure your spot below:

May Allah grant you the strength to forgive what feels unforgivable.

May He heal what they broke.

And may He free you from the weight you've been carrying.

JazakAllah khair for reading.🤍

With love and duas,
Noorain